Sunday, April 15, 2007

Hello? Is this thing on?

You've seen me in grilled cheese, you've seen me . . . , well, where haven't you seen me?

Honestly, you people are pretty fucking dense. So I decided to manifest right here. On the Internet. In a fucking blog of all places. You can't possibly miss / misinterpret this one. So, I'm here. Ask away. Or ask me to intercede. What have you got to lose?

Yes, this is God's mom/wife. Yes, I found it kind of confusing at first too. And frankly, it is still a little awkward. Especially at holiday gatherings.


Delta said...

Ha, good luck with your blog =)

BigHeathenMike said...

Man, that must be confusing like being part of Keith Richards' family. "Am I your son, or your father-in-law"? Good job figuring all that shit out.

Oh, and thanks for clearing up the "satan's dick" thing. I was curious. Good on him for the circumcision thing - at least I know the guy will go out on a limb for a lark.

Bruce said...

Hey Mary, was that you on my piece of toast yesterday? Why do you only work in the mediums of whole wheat, wood and plaster?

Mary said...

Hi Mike, thanks for stopping by, you big heathen, you.

There seems to be a whole lot of confusion over this trinity business. I'm going to try to clear that up in a post a little later. But first I want to talk about a topic that is not all that pleasant for me but definitely needs addressing: the whole thing about God needing to send his son, who is also God himself, to be sacrificed to appease himself. The family dynamics there are tricky and have understandably generated some mass confusion. I think I'm pretty uniquely situated to offer at least a little insight into that puzzler. So I hope you check back later and tell me if it makes any more sense to you after.

As for old Lu docking his schlong for the ongoing gag potential, I can't guarantee that it went down that way but that is what he told me. I asked around discreetly and everyone agrees that Lu was definitely "uncut" before the fall at least. I can't check with the only Guy who knows for sure without getting into a discussion I'd rather avoid. It happened so long ago and I'd rather leave that in the past. "What happens in the desert, stays in the desert", was a pretty common custom long before y'all went and built Vegas in a desert.

Bruce, sorry if I disappoint you, but I promise that your toast was completely unmolested by me (and therefore probably not worth all that much on eBay). Who did it look like? Was she pretty? Not prettier than me, I hope. Sorry, I got picked to be God's spouse and yet I still can get a little insecure at times. You know how it is. I think we all have our own nagging doubts. Why don't you describe her. Maybe I can get her to manifest for you again. This time wearing something a little slinky. ;)

Rev. BigDumbChimp said...

Is this the place I make requests for appearances in my food or on my wall or in the tree out back?

Mary said...

Hi Rev.,

I had intended this to be a place I could answer those questions that I know everyone has, at least to the best of my ability and using my rather unique position as wife/mom of God to answer.

But it does seem like a slow day. Just the same old, same old of the rosaries. So, what the heck, why not? What kind of manifestation were you hoping for? I'm not making any promises, but I might be able to set you up with an appearance. As long as you promise not to use it to fleece a flock, Rev.

Rev. BigDumbChimp said...

I was hoping for maybe a Mary footprint in the crust of the next smoked pork shoulder I do ... or possibly a brief glimpse of your face in the soapy water in the bottom of the shower that I can tell everyone at the office about but sadly only I will have been able to see... or if these are to esoteric maybe a standard old Big huge picture of you, your son or I'll even accept Moon Zappa on the paper that will inevitably jam in one of the printers at the office tomorrow?

Whadda ya say?

Mary said...

Hi Rev.,

If it is o.k. with you I'm not going to intrude on your shower. No offense intended but that view up from the shower drain doesn't really do it for me. And I'm not inclined to start using paper jams as my own private vanity press. Not only would that be kind of contrary to my whole mission but it is also like shooting fish in a barrel. When you think about how easily those printers jam and smear and how human brains are wired with a hefty type I error rate in the whole face detection department, I'm surprised I'm not blamed for H-P's shoddy work more often.

But if your heart is set on me manifesting in your comestibles, here's a deal for you. If you invest $5 in Miss Linda's yakamein while you're at jazzfest, I'll try to pop into your cup for a quick wink. Even if I can't squeeze you in, the yakamein should amount to a pretty decent religious experience.

Your friend, Mary.

Rev. BigDumbChimp said...