Friday, May 4, 2007

That Confusing Trinity Business

Can I get a quick count of everybody who can honestly say he's never, ever been at least a little confused by this whole trinity business?

*people look around nervously and avoid eye contact while crickets chirp*

I thought so. Don't feel bad; it's some confusing shit. Let me give you my take on it. But I can't really explain it. I'm only human and the Trinity most definitely isn't. But I can share some of my experiences with the all-for-one-and-one-for-all Guy(s) upstairs.

Let me just start by saying forget that stupid shamrock business. St. Pat isn't exactly known for his brilliance and he still gets ribbed a lot for the whole clover analogy. What do you expect from a guy who spent a chunk of his childhood mostly alone with somebody else's sheep to talk to. He also wasn't exactly known for his improv skills either. So when some yokel scratches his head and says, "Trinity, huh? Riiiiight", Pat looks down kind of embarrassed and grabs the first thing he sees. Nice try, but no cigar, Pat. You make the Guys sound like Cerebrus, if Cerebrus were an innocuous little green plant instead of a ferocious but sleepy puppy freak.

So I walked into a bar in heaven the other day (no, this isn't the start of a joke although I've heard a few good ones that do start that way) and one of the saints, who was frankly a little blotto, says, "Hey, Mary, c'mere. We want to run something by you. Al here says the Trinity is like a tail recursive function: God is the base case, Jesus the recursive call at the end of the function, and the Holy Ghost makes the call and returns the result. Is he right, or is he right?" I smiled and bought them a round. Not that they really need another round at that point. But, hey, it's heaven. Why the heck not?

In my experience, this whole Trinity business gets a little spooky. One minute I'm talking to my Hubby, and I don't even take my eyes off of him, but *poof* (there is no actual *poof* and that's part of the spookiness--it just happens) all of a sudden my Son is standing right there in His place like nothing happened and He doesn't miss a beat. Or vice versa. Or if we're all together, like at dinner, and they all have an annoying habit of swapping around and finishing each other's sentences. And I don't think They even notice it when They do it. And that isn't the only time They like to swap around and finish for each other, if you catch my drift. I was a little too young and innocent to put up with those kinds of shenanigans back in the day on earth, but now, hey, it's heaven. Why the heck not? ;)

Sorry, that probably didn't clarify much of anything. I'll try to do a better job next week when I tackle the epicurean paradox, i.e., the problem of evil, i.e., "if God can do anything he wants to and he isn't a douche bag, then why didn't he squash Hitler like a bug?"

Your friend, Mary.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Everybody's number 2 question

God incarnated and self-destructed in a big way. This understandably confused the heck out of everybody and spun off a whole lot of theology and other shenanigans. Let me take a shot at explaining the behavior of my hubby/son on that one. The doctrine and shenanigans are your business. I can't do anything about that. In the words of a parody of a friend of mine, if you don't like it, then stop it.

You all are pretty familiar with the Oedipal complex by now. Think of this as a divine Oedipal with a twist. God falls in love. God marries. God sires an offspring who also happens to be him. God gets jealous of his relationship with his mom. God offs himself. God is a jealous god. Big time. This I think you already knew.

Y'all have built up a whole lot of salvific doctrine around it, and blamed yourself for "original sin", which in my opinion is a lot of hooey and kind of like blaming the victim. If you want to blame somebody, blame me. And God. We could have handled the whole thing a whole lot better. All parents make mistakes, you know? Mea culpa. I was only human.

I should have seen it coming. I saw the way God looked at me through our son's eyes. And I loved them both (not like that, pervert). But things got a little confusing for me. I mean, all moms kind of love their sons more than their husbands if truth be told (I know you guys don't want to have that confirmed but it is true), but I was married to mine in a funky and confusing kind of way called "the Trinity." And that is everybody's number one question. That is what I'm going to try to explain next time. Next time I promise I'll tackle the trinity thing.

My husband and my son were the same person and they were competing for my attention. That kind of thing never ends well.

And, for the curious, I'm going to manifest this week in red sauce at an undisclosed restaurant. No biggie and it won't last long, I promise. It is only directed at one person in particular (you know who you are). As for the rest of you, if you happen to catch my manifestation, please don't rope the place off, crush any elderly or infirm people, make it your business plan, or otherwise make a big deal about it. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Your friend, Mary.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Hello? Is this thing on?

You've seen me in grilled cheese, you've seen me . . . , well, where haven't you seen me?

Honestly, you people are pretty fucking dense. So I decided to manifest right here. On the Internet. In a fucking blog of all places. You can't possibly miss / misinterpret this one. So, I'm here. Ask away. Or ask me to intercede. What have you got to lose?

Yes, this is God's mom/wife. Yes, I found it kind of confusing at first too. And frankly, it is still a little awkward. Especially at holiday gatherings.