Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Everybody's number 2 question

God incarnated and self-destructed in a big way. This understandably confused the heck out of everybody and spun off a whole lot of theology and other shenanigans. Let me take a shot at explaining the behavior of my hubby/son on that one. The doctrine and shenanigans are your business. I can't do anything about that. In the words of a parody of a friend of mine, if you don't like it, then stop it.

You all are pretty familiar with the Oedipal complex by now. Think of this as a divine Oedipal with a twist. God falls in love. God marries. God sires an offspring who also happens to be him. God gets jealous of his relationship with his mom. God offs himself. God is a jealous god. Big time. This I think you already knew.

Y'all have built up a whole lot of salvific doctrine around it, and blamed yourself for "original sin", which in my opinion is a lot of hooey and kind of like blaming the victim. If you want to blame somebody, blame me. And God. We could have handled the whole thing a whole lot better. All parents make mistakes, you know? Mea culpa. I was only human.

I should have seen it coming. I saw the way God looked at me through our son's eyes. And I loved them both (not like that, pervert). But things got a little confusing for me. I mean, all moms kind of love their sons more than their husbands if truth be told (I know you guys don't want to have that confirmed but it is true), but I was married to mine in a funky and confusing kind of way called "the Trinity." And that is everybody's number one question. That is what I'm going to try to explain next time. Next time I promise I'll tackle the trinity thing.

My husband and my son were the same person and they were competing for my attention. That kind of thing never ends well.

And, for the curious, I'm going to manifest this week in red sauce at an undisclosed restaurant. No biggie and it won't last long, I promise. It is only directed at one person in particular (you know who you are). As for the rest of you, if you happen to catch my manifestation, please don't rope the place off, crush any elderly or infirm people, make it your business plan, or otherwise make a big deal about it. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Your friend, Mary.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Hello? Is this thing on?

You've seen me in grilled cheese, you've seen me . . . , well, where haven't you seen me?

Honestly, you people are pretty fucking dense. So I decided to manifest right here. On the Internet. In a fucking blog of all places. You can't possibly miss / misinterpret this one. So, I'm here. Ask away. Or ask me to intercede. What have you got to lose?

Yes, this is God's mom/wife. Yes, I found it kind of confusing at first too. And frankly, it is still a little awkward. Especially at holiday gatherings.